I am so lame.

Parenting is the most difficult job in the entire world.  Step parenting doesn’t even have a difficulty level; it’s beyond the scope of anything I know.  Parenting with someone else has it’s struggles, but can be accomplished with good, consistent communication.

Enter the 12 year old boy.  Obviously he knows so much better than those of us who have lived on this earth for 3 times his lifespan.  Duh.  And the thing is?  I’m at a point now where I am ready to let him prove to me that he knows better.  I am ready to let him fail.  Completely and totally.  I am so hoping this does not make me a bad parent in the long run, but honestly I don’t know what else to do.  I have been battling the feeling of Care.  I love him with all of my heart, and I want what is best for him (I’m assuming those are normal parent feelings).  But I have come to a point where I can’t make him choose the thing that is best for him.  So I have to let him do what he thinks is right for him. Which is fucked up!   It’s like dealing with a drunk person trying to rationalize things at all times.  It’s misery.  I finally just started introducing myself as the lame parent.  But even though I am lame to kids, I think I am appropriate to adults because I have rational reasons surrounding my decisions, rules, and structure.  So I must be doing the right thing.  Right?  Because it is starting to be hard to resist the peer pressure of him.  Tell me, does anyone else out there have a future first-born lawyer they are raising?  Lord have mercy.

I haven’t written anything here in over a year.  And it kind of sucks that it has to start out with something so . . . negative.  But I’m hoping that I will be able to get through this patch by writing about it.  And making it to the other side.  This is without a doubt, besides dealing with the death of my brother, the absolute hardest thing I have ever had to do.  It is the hardest thing I have ever chosen to do.  And sometimes I need a bit more strength to get through it.  Because unlike parenting, step-parenting doesn’t come with the ‘I love you because you are mine’ attitude.  For me, it is a feeling that ebbs and flows; while I always love the boys, I don’t always love their behavior and I don’t think that their personality should be what gets them out of being naughty.  With step-parenting, tolerance is an entirely different animal.

To say this doesn’t bring tension also into your relationship is a farce.  How could it not?  We’ll save that for another conversation.