You know how many first sentences I have written tonight?  Too many.  So I’m going with this one.  Well, that one over or up there depending on how it renders on your screen.  I like first sentences, and I fear them.  I fear I have nothing to say that hasn’t been said before in a different way.  I fear that what I say might actually matter, and that it may affect people and make me further away from people I dearly want in my life.  I fear doing damage, and I have lived through enough damage lately.  I want to live and be happy and not rock any boats.  I want to be safe and be held and be loved and more importantly get to do the same back.  And I greatly fear that if I do or say the wrong thing, I could lose everything that matters to me.

It may seem like a control thing, and part of it is; a sleeping dog lies.  But I know my intentions and I know I don’t want to hurt, but I also know I have to protect myself.  So I’ve found myself in a box: how do I help without hurting myself?  What did someone say about a wounded healer?

I hurt myself for too long.  I sat in a small, dark apartment and I ruined myself.  And I came out of it, but not without scars and hurt and pain, and memories that I would love to forget.  I still remember the phone number of my dealer, and I am pretty sure as punishment I will know it forever.  But I woke up, and I got back on a track.

This is the part where I start to edit myself because later, in conversation, I don’t want to have to defend my actions.  And I’m not going to.  I’m neither going to defend myself later or edit myself now.  I am who I am, and it isn’t who I was back when I hurt myself, but I am a direct result now of the choices that I made then.

I wish I had a million different ways to summarize this post into a little light-hearted package now, a couple of sentences that tied it all together and made everyone feel good.  Heck, I wish I felt good about this now, but it isn’t so.  This is just a confession of sorts and nothing I’m proud of and nothing I’m ashamed of.  Just a slice of Me.

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