9.28.2007 067

I posted last week, a week ago today, and something unsettling has been happening since then.  On the surface, I have been writing about Josh’s death for almost 5 months, and I have been hesitant to actually hit publish and send it into a place where people could read what I have been going through.  What I have learned since posting is greater than the fear that initially held me back.

I know now that the process of writing a summary of what I felt following Josh’s suicide was going to disappoint, but maybe only to me.  I felt that by being able to say what I needed to would trigger some magic in life; that I would be transformed and grow in a way that I hadn’t been able to tap into yet through my mourning.  That post was not complete, and now I know and understand that it will never be completed.  I could edit and rewrite it and still, it would struggle to be something in black and white explaining how my brothers suicide affected me.  The truth, is that I will never completely understand what happened that night, and worse to me,  I will always struggle with the dichotomy of writing about his death and trying to understand it; I will spend my life being equally repelled and inspired because of his choice to commit suicide.

I don’t know if I will ever rationalize why Josh taped up the window of his car with a hose and attached it to the exhaust.  But I will search for it forever, over and over again, because I am human and I loved him and I will never, ever forget you Joshua.

I love you Joshie.